Tuesday, November 25, 2025

Feeling blue like this tree?

There are lots of reasons why you may not be feeling very festive this year – changing traditions, family dynamics, the stress of the holidays on your finances, adult kids adulting and moving on, divorce, custody arrangements, illness, loss of family members, family feuds, etc.

I was reflecting the other day on some hard family holidays my family has been through. Some of these were in my pre-blogging days. I think there were two Christmases where my sister in Columbus, Ohio couldn’t travel to my parents’ town in Indiana, and we all went to her. Her husband was in the hospital with leukemia, and she had a new baby. Yup, she had a 9 month old baby. The next year his leukemia came back, and he had to have a stem cell transplant. Yeah, my sister has been through it. We laughed our heads off at the depressing Christmas decorations in the waiting room I remember. That’s how we dealt with it – inappropriate humor.

There was also the year we had Chick Fil A for a late Friday Thanksgiving in my Dad’s hospital waiting room. Gosh, that was so sad. I wanted to find some joy for the kids (my nieces and nephews) and gave out money for the candy in the depressing hospital gift shop that had bins of penny candy. We trashed that waiting room, but we did clean it up!

First, know that you are not alone. There are others who are in the same boat. There are so many people who dread a holiday for one reason or another.

-Remember that Thanksgiving is just one day. Remember that Christmas is just one day. The clock will strike midnight and the expectations for a magical time will be lowered again.

-Volunteer. Look for a way to give back or serve on the actual holiday.

-Offer to work your job if it is a job that stays open.

-Stay off of social media. It’s fake news. You see those photos, but those photos are just a mirage. I bet Aunt Karen was drunk and slurring her words and saying all kinds of inappropriate things. That cute kid in the cute outfit is a spoiled brat whose voice is so annoying I bet. Don’t compare your situation.

-Think of all the good things that you can enjoy. Think of the upside to your current situation. At least you won’t have as many dishes. At least you will have more peace. At least you can wear your favorite pajamas and have a hygiene-free day.

-Band together with others who might be in the same situation.

-Do something totally unorthodox or unexpected. Travel if you can, go somewhere different. Eat an unorthodox meal that won’t have you thinking of the feasts of past.

– If it your first empty nester holiday with just you and your spouse or significant other, think back to your first holiday pre-kids. This could actually be a romantic and cozy holiday for you.

Here is what Gretchen Rubin said on Instagram:

This may seem so silly, but I do enjoy seeing the holiday products in the grocery store. I really like this one! I am not a big soda drinker, but I love the little glass bottles of Coca-cola and I love the cranberry added to the beverages. I usually buy stuff to make Shirley Temples. Who doesn’t like a red drink?

I replace daily things like my hand soap, kitchen cleaner, candle, placemat, tablecloth, etc. These little festive touches work for me and make it feel like the season.

Read Fiona Ferris’ book! This really inspired me last year.

This year both Thanksgiving and Christmas are different for me. Also, I am missing the holiday excitement of working in a school. I stopped and thought about how many holiday things I did in my classes recently – I gave them Thanksgiving vocabulary and winter holiday vocabulary (can’t really just call it Christmas) and we had round table discussions about both holidays, we wrote thank you letters in Spanish, we decorated a turkey and wrote what we were thankful for…

The excitement about school breaks was in the air and it was so much fun and anticipation.

Survival Tips:

-If you are scared of small talk/awkward family interactions – arrive later and leave earlier. Small doses.

-If you don’t like the food/have a special diet or goals, eat something healthy first and then just pick a few things to eat. Most people are not going to be paying attention to what’s on your plate. Keep in mind that it is just one meal.

-If someone forces leftovers on you don’t argue. It’s not that big of a deal. My friend got so bent out of shape that her mother-in-law brought too many desserts and then wouldn’t take the leftovers home. I told her to put them in our faculty lounge. Teachers will eat anything! This is not the stuff to worry about.

-Stick to the positive. Try to think of a compliment for anyone you have to interact with. When said mother-in-law brings too many desserts, “Oh, you are so generous!”

-Bring a small gift to the hostess. It starts things off on the right foot. A kitchen towel, handsoap, hand lotion, a candle – something small.

-Avoid talking about politics or anything controversial. It’s really not the time or place.

-Try open-ended, positive questions like “So, tell me something good in your life right now” or “What good things have happened to you since I saw you last?” You might have to start and say – for example, “I recently got to talk to an old friend!”

-Bring old family photos. Your family may only have one thing in common – shared history or shared family members. Think of a photo like a visual aid that will help your conversation.

-Many people think alcohol is the only thing that can help a family gathering but drink lots of water and avoid over serving yourself. You will say something you regret and feel like crap the next day for more than one reason.

-You don’t owe anyone anything. I guess what I mean by that is that you can be sad, you can be quiet, you can be struggling this year, and you can even bow out. You can feel your feelings. Someone said to me this year that they hope I “can be happy on Thanksgiving”.

-Take a break. Go outside or to the bathroom to give yourself a time out. Let them think you smoke or have IBS.

-Bring stickers. Who doesn’t love to put a sticker on their shirt whether they are 6 or 86? Have you ever seen someone sad around stickers?

-If you need a laugh…read this off color McSweeney’s article entitled “Thanksgiving or Perimenopause”!

What other suggestions do you have?

Amy

42 thoughts on “How to survive the holidays when you don’t feel festive…”

  1. Bob Goff’s answer is to always bring balloons – who can be sad around balloons??
    Good topic to hit today. Sometimes filling your head/room/car with music helps. Do the one thing you “never” do on a regular day – don’t get dressed, don’t make the bed, do order take-out, whatever you normally wouldn’t do or a chore you can skip for one day 🙂

    I’m sorry you miss school – kids do have away of putting a different perspective on the holidays, right?

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  2. Agree with Jenni- good topic. Those of us mid life or older have, unfortunately, lived through a holiday or holiday season that was one filled with fresh grief or the first holiday without a loved one. I don´t have any tips to share- you covered so many good ones here. I would add that as a Christian, my faith has been a source of comfort to me in times of grief and when I get a head case of the, ¨This isn´t fair, why did this have to happen to meeeeee??¨ I open up my Bible and read some Psalms and then the New Testament and read the good news of Jesus´ birth, death and resurrection. Thinking about eternal things keeps some of my earthly angst and negative emotions at bay. That doesn´t mean that everything is hunky dory and it doesn´t take sorrow away but it helps me to put everything in perspective.

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    1. So true! And, just by writing it out I do feel better. You are so right. I start my day with my devotional and it always gives me perspective. I should delve deeper into Biblical readings on Thursday.

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  4. Amy – This is a great topic. I host all of the holidays for my side of the family (a small family) and sometimes I get resentful about me having to clean up my house. I feel like the entire time off from work is spent cleaning, cooking and cleaning again! One of the happiest Thanksgivings was when we went to be with my son in Asheville, NC. I found a restaurant that was still taking reservations, and it turned out great! Kind of like A Christmas Story – for a late dinner that day, we found an Asian restaurant that had great ambience and wonderful food. Oh – and thanks for that McSweeney’s article – I LOL’d and immediately signed up for the newsletter.

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    1. I bet that was a nice break for you! I’m sorry you have all the work. Could you delegate a little more? I hate you to spend all your break on one meal!
      McSweeney’s are always funny in my opinion!

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  5. Oh gosh, where to start 🙂 – I love advent as it is a full, fun time with almost too much going on. Then, boom, Christmas Day, which I have dreaded for as long as I can remember. Luckily, we all feel the same about it, hence we collectively opt for a slightly unorthodox approach to Christmas.

    : ) 23/12 – Carols at a concert hall with just us girls and a single girlfriend, the audience joins in at the end (I am not a singer, it’s great fun nonetheless)

    : ) Christmas Eve – Country Walk with the dogs, followed by dinner at a country pub,

    : ) Christmas Day – Board games, dog walk, ordering Lebanese food for dinner. Last year kid had the crazy idea of wanting to open their gifts under the big tree in the famous square. So that’s what we did on Christmas Day :))

    🙂 Between Christmas and New Year’s Eve: Christmas Lights at the botanical gardens just us girls & a single friend; concert with DH & kid & another set of friends; Dinner with childfree friends.

    : ) New Years Eve: Late dinner in town with a group of three childfree friends who have not met yet, but will get along just splendidly.

    I think the trick is to include friends who perhaps would be without family or are looking to join a bigger gathering. And get out of the house for some fun stuff. Perhaps try something new or off one’s beaten path? The festive period is what you make of it and it’s never too late to start new traditions.

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    1. You are organized and have some really nice traditions! I am doing a “bucket list” that involves different holiday events so it’s kind of like that. I will post it soon. I might steal some of your ideas. I love how you intentionally include people; that is wonderful.

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      1. Please do steal ideas. I might steal one back ;). And if you are ever in our neck of the woods, please let us know 🙂

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      2. Yes! I would love that! My sister had a dream that my sisters and I went to Amsterdam and Belgium so you never know. My mom would love it if we made that happen.

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    1. Thank you! I will be thinking of you. I talked to Jenn so I know some of your plans. It is just a day. I hope you can schedule it out for some self care and some things that fill your cup.

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  8. There are some wonderful ideas here! I love having an Advent calendar and the lead up to Christmas, the anticipation is better than the actual day! I try and do holiday themed activities and start early.

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      1. We get a wine Advent calendar most years. I also got one from Anthro that is like a 3d puzzle and every day you get a new piece. I’ve gotten candles, cheese, and coffee ones in previous years. You should get yourself one!

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      3. You definitely could. They are a nice size to take to dinner. We don’t drink one every night, we put the whites in the fridge and sometimes put the reds away. It just depends on the mood.

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  9. I love this post – it has inspired me to think creatively about how to celebrate the time we have together as a family, even in the midst of loss. Thank you! Instead of a canned prayer of thanks this year, I will craft one that is specific to my family. And I will also spark conversation with asking them to “tell me something good about your life right now”. I am cautiously optimistic that I can move through the “holiday” season in peace, taking it one day at a time and giving myself plenty of grace. Number one tip: unplug!

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  10. What a great post. I remember dreading this day last year for so many reasons! I almost skipped it all together, but it was strongly discouraged. I would add to this to consider adding someone to your table this year; look for someone who has recently gone through a hard time, and invite them into your home. I want to be that place for people! My best friend Missy did this for me last year; they invited me into their family meal the day after Thanksgiving, and I can’t tell you what it meant to me. I will never forget her son Tyler telling her to tell me that I could drive myself, or that he would come and get me. So I went! It’s funny what stands out in your mind, right?

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  11. We have had some rough holidays due to death or illness. We have moved Thanksgiving to another day due to my mom having some health problems. My husband and I miss Halloween with young kids but we do trunk or treat at a small town event and it’s so much fun! You are right. You are never alone. Someone else is going through a similar situation that you are.

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    1. Yes and it hits harder at the holidays than on a “normal” day. I think adapting makes you stay young and flexible but humans don’t like change. It takes a while to wrap our heads around another way.

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  12. These are all such great tips. Hard things definitely bring hard holidays. Even small changes like empty nesting change the dynamics of the holidays. This post gave me lots to think about. I find that in any situation, keeping expectations reasonable/low and staying off social media really helps. Wishing you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving.

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  13. Let them think you have IBS ….. that is the best! Thank you for all the helpful tips

    My dad passed away right before Christmas last year and we were in a state of shock last Christmas. It is hitting home this year. Trying to let myself grief and honor his memory.

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    1. No offense to anyone who does have IBS!
      oh man – so this is your first. Can you honor him in some way? Wear his favorite color or share a memory. Or do a new tradition?
      I will be thinking of you.

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  16. These are such great tips and reminders for us all – at Thanksgiving and at any time. During the holiday season especially, we can be mindful by slowing down, truly listening, and noticing when someone might need a little extra gentleness or space. We don’t always know the difference a simple check-in, a warm invitation, or a quiet moment of understanding can make to someone feeling blue. Happy Thanksgiving, Amy!

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  19. This post provides great perspective and great ideas. My own kids have had a few things they didn’t want to do/struggling with recently and I’ve had to amp them up for it and just tell them it’s five minutes or ten minutes of their life – get through it and it’s a blip on the radar. Losing a loved one is far different but I just mean, you are right – do what you can do and it’s ok to say no. Thinking of you this holiday season!

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  20. Oh ! And I love disposable seasonal items! I love Mrs Meyers …& when I was at Target last weekend, I saw there are Mrs Meyers candles. I showed great restraint and didn’t purchase any..yet!

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  21. Great post! So many struggle with the expectations of the holidays and it is especially tough if there are things going on that make you feel sad or upset. You’ve shared a lot of wisdom. I think many will find it helpful.

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