Tuesday, April 15, 2025
Happy Tax Day!
I really didn’t know what to write about today so this idea came to me. Please know I mean it as no disrespect to my mom, but that I have a desire to learn something from every experience in my life.
My mom was pretty organized but had a lot of stuff. Her house is over 3000 square feet and it is a full house. My Dad was pretty minimalist and let my mom have control over the stuff for the most part. My Dad was an avid library goer and reader like me so he didn’t buy or keep books very often.
We filled two giant reusable shopping bags with OTC medicine, vitamins (never opened) and prescription medicine (not much). The OTC stuff had expiration dates as far back as 2005. I hear that was a good year for ibuprofen? I took them to the medicine drop off at CVS. This is a lesson to go through your meds once a year.
I found 8 curling irons!
We found the spices of our childhood. The realtor actually heard me say, “those spices were a big part of my childhood!” They came from a decorative spice cabinet and just never got replaced/changed out.
We found countless things with the tag still on them. I desire to use/wear anything I buy immediately and not keep tags in my closet. I feel like if I keep a tag on too long the purchase was a mistake.
We found scissors in almost every room of the house. We found emery boards in almost every room of the house. Marie Kondo says to put like things in the same place so you can see how much you have. It’s clear my mom had no idea how many of these items she had, like many of us. She had them in several drawers, bathrooms, the basement, desk drawers, little tiny drawers of stuff in various places.
Her freezers (one in the kitchen and one in the garage) were stuffed and many of the things were expired. The pantry items held many expired items as well.
We keep buying things when we have too much and can’t see what we have.
We found gifts we gave my mom that she never used. It hurt my feelings a little when I found a box of monogrammed notepads that I gave her. What do we save these things for?
We found bins of gifts that my mom planned to give us and other people. She loved buying and giving gifts. But, she had so much that it was clear she didn’t know what she had or remember for whom it was meant.
We also found boxes upon boxes of photos in addition to all the photo albums. My mom took photos and printed them out and labeled many of them. I am so grateful for all the photos that she took. It is so clear how much she loved us by all the things we found. We also have her Storyworth account and it will be such a blessing to have the words she has written and the photos attached to turn into books.
I wouldn’t change the two intense weekends my sisters and I have spent together remembering and honoring our parents by going through their things. But, also, I think it would be a missed opportunity if my sisters and I didn’t reflect on what we are learning.
Amy
Coffee and Cocktails at the Casa 
I think it’s great that you’re learning lessons and sharing them! Learning, growing, sharing- such important components of a good and meaningful life :). Grief, loss, and pain are terrible events/emotions that everyone goes through at some point. Learning things about yourself and life in general in the process of working through the practical (going through a loved one’s house, for example) and emotional aspects of loss is somewhat of a silver lining of going through something hard.
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I am so vigilant about our food, medicines, and clutter… but I fully admit to having those cheap cardboard emery boards EVERYWHERE. I even keep some in my purse and car since my nails always seem to break in jagged little sections.
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I think that’s ok! You’re doing well!
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when I read this my mind immediately went to my mom. She has three closets full of clothes. Many with tags The other week my husband found expired food
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I can relate to the clothes. It’s fun to buy them! But, you could ask her if she wants help paring down.
My theory is that they can’t see/read the expiration dates. Why do they make them so hard to see? That’s a great job for a grandchild with young eyes!
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This sounds exactly like my mom. I try to tell her – all the time – to get rid of things and to stop buying – she does not listen. Maybe I need to share your post with her!
I try to go through spices and medicines often, I hate clutter and we have so much stuff! But I hate the thought of having my children having to sift through it.
Great post Amy!
xo,
Kellyann
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You know – right now – the relationship is more important and she’s not going to change. They shop out of fear, boredom – not sure.
I agree – I hate that thought, too.
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Hi, I love your blog 🙂 My mom died a year ago October- my sister and I went through her home, and this blog post really resonated with me BIG TIME. I actually felt so many emotions going through her stuff- anger being one of them. (I felt really bad about this emotion, but it was real). She looked organized on the outside, but once we got into the guts of her home, there was SO SO SO MUCH stuff and multiples of the SAME STUFF. It caused so many emotions for us. We felt annoyed, angry, confused by her purchases and keeping so much stuff. She had a whole cabinet FULL of notepads. Why? She had chapstick all over the house in every drawer, and all over. We spent hours and hours and hours going through her stuff and deciding what to do with it all (donated a ton, threw away a ton, and auctioned off the rest). I felt like instead of grieving, we were working ourselves to death to try to get the house taken care of before I left back for home. (I didn’t want to leave it all to my sister- my mom and sister live in a different state than I do). Anyway, we made it. But I decided I’d never do that to my kids. I’m already a super super efficient and tidy gal, who de-hoards constantly. But now, I’m even more motivated. I love my mom and miss her a lot, and I accept that that is who she was. But it was REALLY HARD and confusing. Hang in there.
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It is so nice to hear you say what I also was feeling. It is so emotional. I felt bad for feeling all those emotions. It hurt my feelings that she didn’t like or use my gifts. I thought of how her money could have better been used and not wasted on the multiples she kept buying.
We are trying to do this in a respectful and thoughtful way but thank goodness for estate sales agents. What a blessing that someone feels a calling to do that.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughtful comment!
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It’s a big job and I’m glad you girls are in it together. We cleaned out my mom’s house in 2021 when she moved in with my sister. She’s in an apartment in my sister’s house (no kitchen as she eats with them) so she is pared down to what she truly loved, valued, and was using. It was a hard process to get there though. My mom had so many kitchen items in duplicate or triplicate. When we’d ask why she had three flour sifters she really didn’t know. Hubs and I have moved a lot so we’re always getting rid of things we don’t use/need/outgrow. Moving forces you to do that and it honestly feels good. I’d be tempted to hold on to silly things for sentimental reasons, which i think was my mom’s situation. She didn’t want to part with things someone she cared about had given her. I think anyone who cleans out a house vows not to leave the job bigger than it needs to be for their children.
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My sisters and I have talked about how hard this would have been to do with Mom alive and downsizing. So, that seems incredibly hard. My mom was prickly so she would have had hurt feelings if we asked the hard questions. We have not moved so we haven’t had to pare down but I do try to keep things as minimalist as I can. When we renovate the kitchen it will be a great opportunity to get rid of kitchen things. That is probably my weakness – kitchen stuff!
I agree – this is a great learning opportunity!
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I love this. I relate to it because of having to help with this at Dad’s house when he died last year. I remember seeing his records of things and appreciating how organized they were at home and how it would have been so much worse had they not been meticulous. I think times like that are a gift to us, you know? I’m glad you’ve written things down like you have; I love to look back on life, and this is a great way to do that. Also, it’s ironic that I have a very similar blog post today…mine being about lessons from my divorce.
Happy Tuesday, sweet friend. Much love!
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Amy, That was a great post. I know I will find a lot of things when my mom passes, and, I have thought about things that I will be upset about “that still have tags on them, or were never used.
Thanks for this, it is nice when you hear about things you are worried about.
Take Care!
Missy
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Wow this is all so very true- I tend to hold onto things for memories but there is so much clutter and waste that I can rid of
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Oh my gosh! This post brought back so many memories of my own experience. I learned many of the same lessons you did (so many expired products and so many unopened gifts and purchases made). I had just retired when my mom died within weeks of being diagnosed and then I spent four months cleaning out. I, too, felt the need to honor her. Now I catch myself with excess so we are really doing all we can to declutter so some day we don’t leave our own kids with the same dilemma. Thanks for sharing and for being so honest!
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Thank you for sharing what you learned from your mom. I could probably write very similar things about my mom. I wonder if it’s the age they grew up in? 🤔 I regularly clean out medication, food, clothes etc. I don’t want to leave my kids to do that. Thankfully my mom is already thinking about that and getting rid of some stuff but my parents have SO MUCH!! My husband and kids love whipped cream. My husband grabbed a can from my parents fridge, tilted his head back and squirted some into his mouth and my son’s only to find out it had gone bad 😂
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My mom is the same way. She serves as motivation to me purging often.
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I know exactly how you feel with your lessons. After cleaning out Mom/Dad’s house after they passed, we found MANY of the same things. Our mom’s sound very similar with the things they had/kept. I definitely smiled at the emery boards! Mom had sooo many of those! We found them everywhere. I found myself doing a very large purge at my own house after we finished our parent’s house. I was brutal with getting rid of things, because I really don’t want my kids to have to go through all of my unnecessary stuff when my time comes. No disrespect to my parents at all! They were wonderful people but there were so many things that could have or should have been disposed of a long time ago. Glad things are going well for you and your sisters. It’s an emotional process but glad you are able to laugh and joke along the way.
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Aww! Your mom did have a lot of stuff. It must have been an emotional time clearing out her house. How wonderful to have all the photos though. Sending love and hugs.
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I can really relate to this. It is so hard to go through a parent’s things, and frustrating when there is so much STUFF. My mom gradually moved from a house to an apartment to an assisted living room so we were able to go through things gradually. That made things easier. We downsized Michael’s mom a few years ago, and that was a huge task. We had an estate sale with the items she didn’t move, and I think it will still be a big job in the future since she is a “collector.” I also have a relative that I know I will be responsible for, and her house is PACKED. It’s daunting. I try to keep my kids in mind when I want to start accumulating things. Lots of moves have helped prevent too much stuff for us.
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I have lots of questions for you! We talked to an estate agent this weekend.
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I’m a very reflective person and love to learn from all aspects of life. I think all you shared is meaningful and truthful…
My dad is very minimal and has already told us multiple times in advance, “you’re welcome” haha but I know it can be so overwhelming to go through things. My own house has too much that I’ve collected through the years even though we do a decent job purging. A couple of week ago when we had a dumpster for our bathroom demo, we used that time to throw a few things out. We need to do more though.
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when my grandmother died, we found bottles of nitroglycerin everywhere! The poor thing didn’t want to be anywhere and have chest pain w/o her nitro! Your memories are so sweet to read, thank you for sharing them with us .
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This was a good post. Thank you for sharing. My dad‘s wife will take care of everything (she’s much younger than him and we’re counting on that) and I believe my mother did her big “purge“ 12 years ago when she was widowed and moved to another city. My in-laws purged everything and moved 300 miles closer to us three years ago so, again, there will not be much to go through or take care of. i remember my mother’s parents did the same thing – purging and moving 300 miles closer to her. I guess I’ve not only been surrounded by good examples, but had relatives lucky enough todo this for themselves. I can imagine how emotionally difficult this is… I remember my stepfather doing this for my sister’s in-laws when they became incapacitated and could not take care of moving out of their home 20 years ago. It was a JOB. I’ll be ready to get rid of my stuff “someday“… Just not yet!
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Thanks for sharing what you are learning with us. This was well written and very respectful and thought provoking. What a gift to have this time with your sisters.
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I don’t think your post was disrespectful to your mom at all. You and she are/were two completely different people. My daughter is moving into a new to her home. The window over the sink has a sill that’s probably 8-10 inches wide. I told her that was so cool. She said she could put a plant on it (she’d kill it). I said she could put tchotchkes on it (she won’t). It will be empty on the day she moves out!! But, that’s OK…we’re two completely different people. She’s exactly like my mom. In your mom’s defense of emory boards…when you need one, you need one! I don’t stock my pantry like I did when the kids were at home. We do have some meds Mike tried and decided didn’t work. Now, I need to figure out what to do with them. I think you and your sisters did something very hard in the most respectful way possible, all while moving through those stages of grief as well as working. You’re an amazing person, Amy!
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
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Those are great lessons to have learned from your mom’s house. 8 curling irons, I bet your mom’s hair was always on point! When my mom and her sisters went through my grandparents’ house they found close to 100 travel ponchos. We laughed that with all their children and grandchildren we would each get a handful. What’s funny is that I just bought 8 for this weekend. They really are handy, but I don’t think we need 100. What a treat that your mom had so many pictures for you guys. Your weekend sounds intense, but I am glad you are doing it together.
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