Monday, February 10, 2025

It is Saturday morning and I sit in my mom’s house typing. My family went home last night but I stayed and we have a house of my sisters, my brother-in-law, and four nieces, and three nephews. It’s a packed house.

I’ve been here since Wednesday morning. I’m ready to go home. But, I’m also not. Among the tears there has been so much joy and laughter. Seeing my mom’s legacy of family and friends, hearing stories, eating all the good food we have been showered with…I have felt so, so loved.

A funny photo we found….my mom and I getting our hair done on my wedding day. My whole bridal party was there and I have a feeling my dear cousin Kelly snapped this photo.

I love these girls. We all have the best parts of my mom in us.

A beautiful fruit tray for breakfast on the day of the funeral from my mom’s friends…

Hometown donuts that are the best from my mom’s friends…

Beautiful flowers from family and friends, my department at work, and Tom’s work family made us feel so loved…

We are all taking the ones home from our friends and then we are donating other arrangements to nursing homes with a program the funeral home has were they disassemble and make smaller vases for the residents of local nursing homes. My mom would like that. We found out there were a lot of acts of kindness that my mom did that she never told us about.

So, on Wednesday we met at my mom’s house and we spent the day doing tasks that needed to be done. I still can’t believe everything we were able to do – the business type stuff. I told my sisters we should go to a nice dinner that night before the families descended.

We drove downtown and our little hometown is all decorated for Valentine’s Day. The buildings are lined in white lights and they have these hearts on street lamps.

We had the nicest dinner at the new steak house on Main Street and split some dishes and a bottle of wine.

We talked about our mom, our memories, our goals, and all the things. I am so glad we took the time to do this. We went home and went to bed pretty early but none of us slept great.

We got up Thursday and I went and got us McDonald’s egg Mcmuffins. My mom always ordered hers without the egg so I guess she just got a Mcmuffin. We always thought that was so funny. We started doing all the things – cleaned the house, steamed clothes, and I made phone calls. There are a lot of phone calls to be made. My sisters said they would rather clean toilets than make phone calls and I said I would much rather make phone calls. We have talked a lot about what our skill sets are and tried to use those to our advantage throughout this time.

Our mom got things done. We know that she was with us in spirit because if I told you how many things we did from Wednesday to Thursday you would probably not believe me. We didn’t fight. I actually don’t remember us really fighting? What a testament to my parents that they raised us to not only be good humans (I hope!) but also good sisters. They didn’t compare us or pit us against each other and I don’t remember feeling like it was a competition. I think they saw us as individuals with different strengths and interests. They also were always very fair and equal.

Around noon, the masses started arriving…

First came Kate’s family – her three kids and her boyfriend. He brought the kids and he is wonderful. It was nice to hug some nieces and nephews. Then came Molly’s family and again it was nice to have all the nieces and nephews in the house. So, that was 7 kids. Then, we started getting ready and my family arrived. Now we had 9 kids in the house. We all left dogs at home with dog sitters. I was worried about how sad the kids would be arriving at the house for the first time without Grandma there.

Family friends had brought us lunch and we had chicken pot pie, pulled pork, slaw, chicken salad, chips, and more and everyone ate something.

We went to the funeral home for the visitation and saw the slide show they put together and the pastor led us in a prayer. The funeral home director gave us an hour in the room before the public was allowed to come in. We had displayed my mom’s artwork of several different types, a photo album of her window dressing at Marshall Fields in Chicago (a job she did for about a year in the late 1960s), photographs, and we also had a box of notecards she had made with her artwork on them. We asked people to take one. I got very emotional seeing all the flowers from the people in my life and from Tom’s work. It was hard to see my mom but for many it gives closure but you also have to think – do you want closure? You want to remember the person alive and vibrant.

We did a receiving line (is that the word for this situation?) in birth order – me, Kate, Molly – I was touched that the nieces came and stood by their moms for much of the time. Those girls are poised, mature, funny, and smart. That line did not stop for about two hours – a testament to my mom. My mom had current friends, former colleagues, former students, and family come through. We heard time and time again of kindnesses my mom had shown them or ways in which she influenced them. And, I had high school friends and current friends that drove hours to come. Tom had a work friend and wife who came. We were an hour from our current home, too. So, this is something I won’t forget. My high school boyfriend and his mom came! Ha – but they live in town. My favorite high school teacher came. For the third hour, we were able to get out of line and mingle a little more. But, so many people came. I don’t have the register back yet to know how many, but it was a lot.

And, then, get this – the funeral home people took all the young grandkids to Dairy Queen in a limo. They dropped them off at the house for us!

We were so beat after the visitation and our legs and feet hurt so bad. My sisters and I said so many people touched us and got in our faces. Yes, there were many close talkers. (Seinfeld reference) I found out my school went to online for Friday and Monday because of widespread illness – flu I guess! We had lots of food at the house but Jack and I thought pizza would be nice so we ordered pizza for everyone and it was a hit. We stood around the kitchen and talked and ate. I got a hotel room across the street for my family just so we could spread out more. So, we left and everyone crashed at the house, too.

I didn’t sleep well and got up early to get back to the house. My mom’s friends were providing breakfast so I wanted to be there. Also, we had to be at the church at 9:30. It ended up being a pretty hectic morning of getting everyone fed, dressed, hair and makeup – I had to do two heads of hair besides my own and we had four girls squeezed together in one bathroom. We made it on time and had another hour of visitation in the church sanctuary and so many more people came that hadn’t come the night before. The church was packed when the service began at 11:00. The service was emotional and my niece Mia spoke some eloquent words and my sister Kate wrote the eulogy. I was so proud of her for being able to stay composed. I could not have done that. Because her eulogy was so personal it made me cry and even more. She is giving us all a copy and I may share it hear for anyone interested. I wrote my mom a poem 30 years ago and she had told me it would be part of her funeral and it was printed in the visitation card. Maybe I should have read it, too, but I don’t think I could have.

We then had the processional to the veteran’s cemetery and the family was in two limos. We had a short service there and one of the funeral directors also went to church with my mom and dad and he shared some personal and special words and got choked up. He gave the three daughters roses from the casket spray. He then gave all the grandkids one type of rose and all the extended family another type.

The family was the last to leave and some of the grandkids wanted to say things to their Grandma. Kate, Molly, and I had done this the night before just the three of us too.

We were taken back to the church for fried chicken and all the casseroles you could ever want. My mom loved a casserole. “Casserole Carole” was one nickname! I tried to sit and eat but I felt like I also needed to make my way around. I tried to talk to the people who wouldn’t be coming back to the house.

We told anyone that wanted to come back to the house to come and it was really nice. Even though we were tired, it was great to put out some cheese and crackers, cookies, and drinks. Our neighbor at our house growing up brought wine and treats, my bestie Heather brought a charcuterie board, and we had some other stuff we had brought. We sat around from 2:00 to maybe 7:00 and even had a little music. Our friend’s son is a banjo prodigy and he played for us. Tom loved it! Our niece Mia played Amazing Grace on sax.

We shared stories and laughed a lot. We realized the banjo player had chosen my mom’s favorite spot on her couch and she would have loved this.

Around 7:00, my family – Tom and kids – went home to relieve the dog sitter. I stayed but everyone was really so tired at this point that we were all ready to shower and crash. I slept on a couch in the basement with the teen girls but I didn’t sleep much. I was up at 5 am and started this post!

I am now finishing it on Sunday morning at my house…

So, Molly got up around 6:30 and wanted to go get coffee. She and I left and sat inside Dunkin’ and talked for about an hour. We went back and started the job of cleaning up and getting ready to pack up. Everyone else started getting up and we sat around and talked and laughed for a bit. Then, we got everything cleaned and packed and all left for home around noon. My sisters and I felt the same – we desperately wanted to be in our homes, but we also didn’t want to leave.

Kate and Molly have to go back to teaching Monday. I have a day of online teaching from home and we also have some snow coming in on Tuesday. We have a house to manage in a town we no longer live in. There’s a lot to do. It’s pretty overwhelming.

I drove back alone and cried most of the way. I didn’t talk on the phone or listen to anything – no music and no podcasts – for most of the ride. I also thought I could fall asleep driving I was so tired. But, I made it. Tom met me at the door and helped me unload. I unpacked and napped and then we actually went to a 50th birthday party for a bit because I was reminded that you show up for the people you care about. We came home and I crashed hard and slept 8 hours with only one wake up.

I’m sad. I know different things will hit me at different times. Our houses are full of stuff from my mom. She was a gift giver. Everything on my walls is from my mom practically. She loved to frame things for us. Also, losing your second parent feels like too much. Parents are always there for us. They are a safety net. As the oldest, I feel responsible for my sisters and I always have, but now I really do.

If you are still here, I appreciate all your kind messages. I know many of you have been here in this same place in life. It sucks.

Thank you,

Amy