Wednesday, March 20, 2024
I’ve had a thought on my brain to delve into deeper topics ’round here every once in a while. Not sure it’s my brand (I don’t actually have a brand), but I feel like we could have a good discussion through the comments.
So… I think I come off as pretty tough (maybe I don’t) but I am very sensitive. In fact, I think I check most of the boxes of being a “highly sensitive person or HSP”. So, I know it is a flaw of mine to be too sensitive to certain things. Ever since I have known Tom, he has said that I have to stop expecting people to act the way I want them to act or the way I would act in a given situation.
My sister Kate has gone through some crap that I won’t get into, but she has always said that going through that crap has shown her who her friends are/who she can count on. She is the sister who sent me my full-length mirror for “seeing her” because I always listened to her when she needed someone to listen. She is much happier now and I am so glad!
I understand – believe me, I do – that losing a dog is not the same as losing a human. I posted this on Facebook:
Is a comment enough for you from a really close friend or family member? Would you expect someone who has your cell phone number to also text you? My policy is that if I know you well enough to have your number in my contacts, you also get a text or call from me.
I wasn’t commented on my college bestie Heather’s post but only putting a heart and then calling or texting her. I found out she wants everyone to comment on her Facebook posts, too. I told her I hadn’t been commenting because of my call or text and didn’t think I would need to publicly put what I would say to her in private on her post. See? We are all different in this regard. So, now because Heather said that I have been doing both – leaving a Facebook comment and sending a quick text or making a phone call depending on the situation. When I told Heather about this post she said, “Social media is absolutely not enough for a close friend”. She didn’t hesitate. She is also one of the most thoughtful people I know.
For birthdays, I always text because sometimes there are so many social media comments to wade through and I know that a text or call is what I personally prefer. It’s especially nice when it’s from a friend I don’t hear from often. It really means a lot to me.
But, is a social media comment enough if that person is part of your family or close circle of friends? Has social media made it too easy for us to take the lazy way out?
Social media has been a great thing for me to connect with former students or to get a glimpse into the lives of people who live far away from me. When I see them, I feel that I am still “in the know” with their lives. So, I am not saying social media is all bad. I don’t feel that way at all.
I hope that I am not guilty of forgetting to reach out to people, because that would make me a big hypocrite! We can always do better, though, and all of us are still growing and evolving.
I also am not saying that I would cut someone off for not reaching out, but I would take pause. I have one friend that literally was never texting me back. So, I stopped initiating texts to them. Now, my friend Elizabeth is the most frustrating person to text with, but we joke about it. When I text her I can expect a 48-72 hour wait time on a response!
So, back to does a social media comment count…
How long does a text take? I will tell you that it takes a matter of seconds. I can’t buy the excuse that anyone is too busy because that is just not valid.
No, this post is not meant to be directed at anyone because most of my real-life people don’t read my blog, to be honest. It’s just been on my mind lately and I wanted to see what you all think!
Not Bitter – Seriously,
Amy
Coffee and Cocktails at the Casa 
Just before I read the word lazy I was thinking the same thing. I think social media has allowed people to become lazy about communicating certain things. I am shocked when someone posts about a loved one dying and they get a care emoji or the crying emoji. I certainly hope they follow that up with a real message or call. Maybe I am being old school but I think some situations just deserve more. Great post!!!!
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I couldn’t agree more! I hope they follow it up, too. I feel like people are more self-centered these days and there is a message about self-care that people might be taking too far. Self-care does not mean selfish and only about yourself! If you are old school then I am, too! Thank you!
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I am with you on this, one hundred percent. I shared a post somewhat recently in an ins and outs post that one thing I’m letting out this year is social media birthday posts for family members excluding my husband, sons, parents, and close friends. The reason for that was because I was hurt by a sibling when she didn’t reach out to me on my birthday. I started to delete that, because it may sound petty, but it stung. We’ve always been close and she always shares about everyone else’s birthday, but she doesn’t do that for me. I just “liked” what she said on FB (“Happy birthday, Jenny!”) and didn’t respond more, because it hurt my feelings.
I think this is such a personal thing for everyone, though. I do say something on socials, but not before first reaching out to them in person first. I depend more and more on that personal touch, though, because I don’t always get on FB to see things. Ugh. Social media is fun, but it’s also such a pain! Give me real life any day! I will also include here that I, too, am a HSP. I’ve been told my entire life to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve!
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Oh, I can totally relate! That would really hurt my feelings. I agree so much with your 2nd paragraph. I guess this is somewhat showing my age? I don’t want to stop being an HSP because it’s also what makes me deeply care about things – I get very excited, very sad, very happy, etc. I don’t want to stop being the way that I am because it’s also a good trait to have.
Some people in my life don’t get as excited as I do and I say they are “yucking my yum”, they are a wet blanket, every party has a pooper and that’s why we invited you! – lol! You know I’m just kidding, but it’s making me laugh right now when I need to be getting ready for work! I like to bring up these old songs and sayings with my students. Recently I told them “move your meat – lose your seat” and they laughed hysterically.
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I have always texted, called, sent a card or flowers when a friend goes through a loss. I don’t put personal things on social media but I do have an opinion on that and a comment there is definitely not enough from close friends or family. My dad passed away recently and I was shocked at the number of, who I considered to be close friends, did nothing after hearing about it. I no longer consider them close friends. It took something like this for me to reconsider what friendship looks like, especially as I get older. I call it weeding!
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Same happened to my best friend Heather. She was so hurt by lack of people even sending a card! She has some super rich friends, too. I’m not rich and I did what I am good at and made meals.
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Yes! A lasagne is my go-to dish for people dealing w/ loss. Tell Heather I know how she feels. Was incredibly hurtful and something I won’t ever forget.
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I will tell her! She literally has so many really rich friends. One dropped off warm cookies. That’s it. I gave her a necklace with her dad’s initial and made breakfast for her family on the day of the visitation (didn’t think anyone would think of that) and dinner about a week later? I can’t remember. I also picked up her dog at the groomer because she asked and I am glad she felt she could ask. It was no big deal.
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Social media is indeed a lazy way to wish someone a happy birthday- to send condolences- especially close friends or family. I just recently turned 60 and i was sad by the number of friends who didn’t reach out and text. Just “liked” my IG post. It was a milestone bday! I’ve gone above and beyond for so many people and it’s never reciprocated. It literally takes 1 minute to send a quick text. My mom used to tell me that I’m too sensitive so i guess i am. But i used to check in on all my friends with a quick text to just say Hi- how are you? Etc. no one ever checks in on me. Well that’s not true. My friend Karen does. I love social media and i hate it. It makes it easy to just forget how to be a true friend. IMO
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I agree! Wow – that really stinks. Yes, don’t tell me you are too busy. I am way more busy than many and still take the time. Too sensitive also means you care more so don’t change! You probably give off the vibe of always being put together so people don’t think you need being checked on – like me. But, we are organized type A people and they still should ask!
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I’m not really on social media… and honestly that often leaves me out of the loop. Which I am perfectly fine with! I don’t necessarily call or text after a loss but I do like to send out homemade condolence cards. Obviously that depends on the loss and my relationship to the person experiencing the loss but I am much more old school in that a mailed note, a homecooked meal, etc. mean much more.
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But, it also saves you tons of time and maybe even heartache from comparing or wondering why those people didn’t reach out to you! And, people know you aren’t on there, so they need to let you know things! I know your cards mean so much. You took the time and effort to make something!
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Has social media made it too easy for us to take the lazy way out? Yes, I think you are absolutely correct. A quick comment or an emoji, that’s the extent of many people’s interactions and it’s just not good enough. A text or phone call means so much more or in the case of a death in the family or serious illness, a note or card is even better.
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I agree. It’s also the accepted, modern way of life now in this internet world? I don’t buy that you don’t have time. Your time is used for your priorities and apparently, I am not a priority which is also sometimes good to find out. That sounds more bitter than I mean it, but you know what I mean!
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I was nodding my head the whole time I read this! I definitely feel that a text or call is so much better than a like or comment. I don’t do birthdays on FB anymore, and most of my friends don’t post often. So it isn’t really a way to keep up with their lives anymore. I do think it has made everyone (including me) lazier about staying in touch.
Regarding the big events in life like the loss of a loved one or pet, I definitely learned who my “real” friends were during two life events. One was our move overseas. A few friends kept in touch, and really made an effort to send mail and reconnect in the summers. Most made it seem as if we’d dropped off the face of the earth. The second was our flooding in Harvey. There were so many friends who were supportive, and even some in other states who got church friends to send gift cards. And then there were others who didn’t even check in on us…and that even includes family members. In general, I just feel like people are more distracted and transient in life now, willing to let friends come and go in their lives.
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Yes, I agree. I have moved away from posting a lot on FB. And, there is a lot of good to be had there, too.
I bet you did! I don’t buy the excuse that some people just aren’t good at that kind of thing, but I was talking to a friend about my blog post this week and she said she gives grace to people who haven’t been on the other side and don’t realize how much it means for people to drop something off, send flowers, etc. However, by age 50 you should know better.
I had a student bring me a Mason jar of tulips and a basket of favorite chips because of my sadness and I told her that she is more thoughtful than many adults. I am so impressed by how she already knows how to “show up” for people.
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I need to take Tom’s advice. Sometimes I expect people to act a certain way or plan a certain way and then get frustrated. I’m often exhausted though because I feel like i think through all the options and then get frustrated when others just make a decisive decision but without regard to others. I don’t know if this is making sense 😆 I do always text close friends and family (or call) for birthdays or other matters. Sometimes social media might remind me or be how I find out, but if they are a close friend, I will text or call.
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Me too! Still learning and growing. I am a classic overthinker. Why did he act that way? Why did she say that? It does make sense. I spend a lot of time debating options and what is best for all involved. Same. I like that FB reminds me!
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This post has me feeling all sorts of ways. I think, for a lot of people, this is their way of communicating. It’s not necessarily the warmest way of connecting, but it’s their way. I also think bloggers and their communities are much more in tune with their feelings and often are better at expressing the way they feel. I’ve only just found you late last year but already feel a connection just because of the way you write and your replies to my comments (when I write books…I know).
I don’t know what I am, but I do know I’m often hurt by the underwhelming responses I get from friends and family when I’m going through something. I think part of that is I give off the vibe that I’ve got it all under control and don’t need any help with anything. Part of that is my problem because I don’t ever communicate what I’m feeling and what I want. I always want huge celebrations and get little ones. Again, that’s probably on me for not telling them what I want.
As for sending cards, I’m notoriously bad about that. I will call or text the person, but I rarely send a card.
I do always try to say happy birthday to people on Facebook because a lot of them are my old students, and I love connecting with them in that small way. Am I hurt when people I considered friends don’t do even that? Yes, I am. I had a “friend” that I considered quite close, and I hear nothing from her ever. Am I that petty? Yes, I am! I am lucky in that I’ve never had any negative comments on my blog or Instagram. But when a good friend unsubscribed from my blog, that really hurt. When you have so few subscribers, you notice when you lose one.
Thanks for a very thought provoking post, Amy!
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
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First, thank you for the nice compliment and second, I think you have a very thoughtful way of looking at the world and people. You seem open and non-judgey and really try to examine the situation in a compassionate way. I agree with you on “it’s just the way of connecting today” and on the blogging world is just different. We are pouring out our deepest thoughts on our pages many days.
I give the same vibe and I am way more comfortable in the position of being the helper and not the helpee.
Wow – that would hurt me, too. I am a little hurt by the friends that don’t read my blog, but they are too unorganized to have a routine or read any blogs. They get up at the last minute, have no quiet time, spend their days running errands and returning things they buy. Gosh, I make them sound horrible, no?
Ha – thank you for commenting!
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I agree with you and so many comments here. I feel like I am facebook “friends” with aquaintances honestly….a lot of people from high school or from other past jobs. People I wouldn’t stop to have a conversation with if I saw them out and about, I am probably not going to wish them a happy birthday on social media. I love the personal touch of a text/call on a birthday or during a hard time.
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Same! I never turn down a FB request, but I don’t go looking for people. I agree – I also like to remember when friends have a death of a parent anniversary or something stressful coming up and I write it down to remember to ask about it.
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I rarely comment on FB. If I see a friend post something I want to comment on usually I just text them. I rarely read comments people leave on my posts so I guess I assume no one else does either – I know that isn’t true though. But on my Birthday I don’t like calls LOL. I want to be left alone. I sound like a jerk but really I just hate talking on the phone. Its interesting how we all have our different ways of communicating .
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I agree and that is what I have always done. If they are not as close, I do leave a comment.
I feel that. We are all different in our love languages, too.
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Happy Birthday, Amy!!!!! I’m just posting it here so everyone can see. Oh, your birthday is not until November. That’s okay- I probably forgot to tell you then. Or maybe this will count for this November. I’m so bad at birthdays that I stopped trying. Because I’m so inconsistent, I thought that might hurt people’s feelings too- she remembered yours, but not mine? Like you stated, everyone is different. Sometimes it means they don’t care, but sometimes it doesn’t. Writing someone off because they don’t go to a funeral is a tough call. Maybe that person has social anxiety. Maybe that person has bad memories of a death and doesn’t want to think about it, etc. Anyway, basically just here to tell you I read your blog. Again, all people are different. I don’t read it daily but instead I read many weeks worth in one sitting.
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Ha! You are the first one to wish my a 2024 happy bday since it’s in November!
I wouldn’t write someone off. That’s true. There could be lots of reasons. Heather’s dad’s was hard for me. But, I did it.
And, I really don’t want people to read my blog if they don’t get anything out of it.
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